Enter Lou Holtz, perhaps the worst broadcaster in the history of broadcasters. Ol' mushmouth is living off his Notre Dame rep from the late 80s and early 90s, slobbering all over our televisions on an almost daily basis. With his trusty sidekick, Mark "The Fat Jackass" May, ESPN has managed to form the worst broadcasting combination ever witnessed by humans.

This unwatchable duo is good for two things: being screamed at from your living room and douche chills. In case you didn't know, douche chills are the feeling you get when somebody says or does something so embarrassing that you physically react to their awfulness via a shudder, a covering of the eyes or ears, or a small stroke. Lou is a good old boy, which in 2007 translates to an old, out-of-touch bore that nobody watching ESPN can relate to in the slightest. He also has no objectivity and seems to lack simple knowledge about the state of the game today.

For example, last year he claimed that the Notre Dame defense would finish in the top 10. Without throwing the stats out there, suffice it to say that Lou came off looking like a silly goose (pardon my language). His bias towards Notre Dame is indefensible, and it will be even more noticeable this year as the Irish will be lucky to limp their way to 6 wins.

{mosimage}Consider a more recent example of Holtz’s brilliance. I was awoken at 8 AM Sunday morning by a text message from a friend of mine telling me the Lou said the following: the Appalachian State victory over Michigan wasn’t even an upset. Let that soak in for a minute. So what exactly is an upset? Considering that a 1-AA team has never beaten a Top 25 Division 1 team, much less a team in the Top 5, this would seem like (and rightly so) the biggest upset in football history to most, but not old Lou.

Either upsets don’t exist in Lou’s mind, or he was the only living being who saw that one coming.Having May as his partner should only benefit Lou by making him look better by comparison, but he has failed to seize the opportunity of having The Fat Jackass (who predicted that Miami would beat Ohio State by 30+ in the 2003 National Championship Game) seated to his left at all times. If you can get past his horrifying lisp/sprinkler mouth, his "opinions" are so awful, so indefensible, so unfounded in the facts, that any person with a hint of objectivity or knowledge of the sport can't watch the man for more than two minutes without turning the TV off, crying, or kicking a small animal.I have struggled mightily with the notion that this man led a team to a national title.

I tried to picture myself in the Notre Dame locker room with this aw-shucks old guy showering the players with his slobber and I came to the conclusion that Lou Holtz may be the least motivating person I’ve ever heard speak. So, I decided to browse the internet for some Lou Holtz inspiration. My conclusion? He's a cliché-slinging old fart without an original word to say. For example, Lou says "treat others as they want to be treated". Wow. Thanks Lou. Any chance you got that from somewhere else? Here's a little bit of Lou's dark creepy side. "Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who aren't motivated." Frightening. Lou Holtz is a mystery to me. He won a National Title at Notre Dame despite his inability to talk, a very important component of motivation and inspiration. Then, he parlayed his incredibly noticeable speech impediment into a job at ESPN. TELEVISION! Hopefully Lou will only pollute my mind and the airwaves for this season. If he does stick around, my only consolation is that I will slowly become numb to him like I have Mark May.

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Lloyds Apple said:

	Holtz predicted 10 wins by Notre Dame this year.
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September 03, 2007
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wpeery said:

Thank goodness somebody has finally stepped up and ripped Lou Holtz to shreds! Hahah... he deserves it because he's a bumbling idiot and he sounds more like Daffy Duck than he does a broadcaster. I can't even imagine how his players stood with a straight face at half time because I would've just started laughing at him. I mean how can you take the guy seriously. One of my buddies, Brian Vornberg who writes for this site actually got to see Mark May speak and apparently May and Holtz were having an argument and Holtz screamed, "Ever had your ass kicked by a 70 year old man?" Hahha... or however old Lou Holtz is... as old as Stonehenge? ESPN needs to do the world a favor and yank Lou Holtz off the air immediately. He can't even speak English. Holtz saying that App. State defeating Michigan is not an upset is one of the most absurd comments I've ever heard from any broadcaster. He deserves a swift kick to the nuts!

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September 04, 2007
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lou holtz said:

Have you no shame? Do you consider yourself an American? LOU HOLTZ IS THE GREATEST BROADCASTER TO EVER WALK THIS EARTH! What have you done? Have you ever gotten your ass kicked by a 70 year old man? Lou Holtz only knows two things; motivating and ass kicking. I may sound like Daffy Duck, but more people hear my voice every day than i know how to finish this sentance. I leave you with a quote: "If you burn your neighbors house down, it doesn't make your house look any better. "

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September 08, 2007 | url
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Lloyds Apple said:

	Lou Holtz just picked Notre Dame over Boston College and then went on to say Arizona State was going to do well because of QB Sam Keller. Sam Keller of course now plays for Nebraska. He really should only be allowed to be a special guest for his "pep talk" part of the show. Less facts, more emotion. The dude mixes his words like like nobody before him. And I don't even think he's drunk.
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October 11, 2007
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